Now, I'm not normally one to spill my guts to the internet, slapping my drama across my Facebook page for all to see. In fact, I can assume a lot of people in my personal life will be surprised when reading this, given that I haven't actually announced most of these changes, most importantly the complications in my marital life. But, over the last few weeks, I have come to realize a few things about myself.
I am not that girl.
I am not the girl that is content being locked away at home, waiting on the husband to come home from work. I cannot tolerate being in mom-mode 24/7, year-round. I love my children more than anything in the world, but I am an individual and having to squash my likes, wants, and needs to care for my children constantly kills that individualism slowly but surely as every day goes by. I need adult interaction. I need to go see a concert and let my hair down, I need to dance freely and swear even freer, without having to worry about being the perfect role model for my children. I need to enjoy some quiet time, without Dora the Explorer blasting through the house or arguments about who showered first last night.
I am not the girl who is content looking and behaving like everyone else. I like to swear. I like to be sarcastic. I like to have crazy colors in my hair and I love my tattoos. I prefer to wear all black and I like my jewelry big and meaningful. I like my heels to be sharp and my jeans to be tight. I like my eyeliner retro and my nails raven black.
I don't listen to mainstream music. I like my music hard, fast, and unique. Forget your top 40, I'd prefer to listen to my punk, ska, or alternative metal.
I can't stand Disney, the CW, or any of these other mainstream channels. Give me weird, offbeat, and creepy any day. And please, don't make me watch anymore Nicolas Sparks. I will implode.
And, most importantly, I don't do well in a marriage situation.
I've tried. I've tried. I've tried and I've failed. I'm not good at having to worry about what someone thinks 24/7. I'm not good at trying to be someone else because I'm too wild of a personality for someone to handle. I'm not emotional, I don't cuddle, and don't even think about trying to hold my hand in public. I like my space... and you'd better not get into it. I'm sarcastic, I'm blunt, and don't think it will ever change.
So what happens when you're not wife material? What do you do when you pick your kids up from school and you're clearly the odd mom out? How do you field those questions about why your marriage failed when all you can really say is, "It wasn't for me"?
We need to stop telling mothers and wives that they are supposed to behave a certain way. We need to stop enforcing this Stepford-like ideal that mothers/wives are supposed to adhere to. Having spent the last four years pretending to fit into this model of what is acceptable has almost ruined me. I could feel myself dying off with every week that went by. I could feel my spirit being beaten, bloodied, and bruised constantly, and I had to keep a smile going all the while.
I've had to learn to let go. I've had to learn to be myself, regardless of what others say or think about how I behave or how I look. I've had to learn to let go of this concept that I'm supposed to be a wife when I'm also a mother. I've come to realize that my children blossom when I'm truly happy, and pretending to be a type of mother/wife that I'm clearly not wasn't allowing that to happen. I'm the weird mom who will have blue streaks in her hair, who will show up to boy-scout meetings in an off-the-shoulder Avenged Sevenfold Tee and skinny jeans, and will most likely be swearing her ass off while trying to arrange a princess party for a group of little girls. I like to expose my children to the alternative sides of life instead of keeping them in a cookie cutter bubble, like most parents, and while I'm okay with that - others don't appear to be. I'm the girl who doesn't handle relationships, who doesn't like to compromise, and who definitely doesn't belong in a big, white, fluffy dress standing in a church, vowing to deal with someone's bullshit for the rest of my life. I'm me and the only way of staying sane in this crazy world is to continue to be me... faults and all.
So I say to you other weird moms and eternally single women - don't let society force you to be someone you're not. Put that color in your hair, turn down that proposal. You can do whatever you want to do because you're powerful when you're in your element. Don't let society take that away.